07 April 2014

"Around the bend"

Hmm. I am living just around a turn in the road from extended family. They are going to create magnets to post at their house to alert other members of the household as to where they are. Going to Nana's will be going around the bend. Hmm...

22 March 2014

"This is the land that we call home"

I have forfeited my right to say that. I have betrayed the land that I have loved. I've sold it to someone who lives by the bulldozer. I am screaming silently in agony, I've betrayed myself, and I will never be alive again.

05 January 2014


After all my pleasure back out in my garden, back on my own land, planting things, mulching things, watching my daffodils bloom, I am committing to attempting to sell my place, and buy a place near the house my daughter and granddaughter share with friends. Grief.

06 September 2013


More resilient today, than I was last time I posted. I've gardened as much as I can this summer, and have been reaping the benefits. Have eaten LOTS of peas. Shelling peas, snap peas, snow peas. Yellow podded snow peas, purple podded soup peas. Beans in several colors (easier to see purple pods, than green pods, for sure). Fava beans. Kale. Madras Podding RadishTrombocino squash and Costata Romanesco squash. Five kinds of cucumbers. Tomatoes. Swiss Chard. Mustards. Lettuces. Dill. Carrots. Beets. Endive. White Alpine Strawberries, Red Alpine Strawberries, Tristar strawberries, figs, blueberries, plums, parsley, elephant garlic. Have had LOTS of fun with granddaughters (1 biological, 1 borrowed) in the garden. "Nana, can we eat some kale/peas/berries?"

Am also sewing. Two new potholders, and a new placemat (chicken-themed, of course). 4 tops, and 4 pairs of shorts for small girls. One light blue flowered skirt, two gypsy skirts, one summer nightgown, all for small girls. Have purged my own wardrobe, and repaired or slightly modified some items to make them more wearable.I am eyeing fabric with thoughts towards sewing for myself, also. Some of my long-ago purchases are a little difficult to remember what I was thinking about at the time. Cherry red baby corduroy, with red and purple flowers on it? Four yards of it? Possible little girl jumpers from some of it. Do have hot pink corduroy, green corduroy, black corduroy, lavender plaid flannel, and still have some AWESOME purple wool (enough for a cloak!).

30 May 2013

How much I am going to be able to stand, before it is easier to just let go and die? I keep doing all of the expected state paperwork, and my food stamps are now down to $17.00 per month. When I was working, they were $72.00 per month. Now, with no job, injured self, barely able to stand up long enough to take a shower, I get $17.00, and have a $2,000+ spend-down before I will get medical coverage again. Today, a friend tell me that my brain-damaged partner was seen (and reported) eating sugary munchies out of the bulk bins where he volunteers. He knows that he should not be eating sugar for health reasons. He knows he should not be snacking, unpaid, for ethical reasons. Doesn't matter. He will do it anyway. I will have to have him resign his volunteer work there, which is a hit to our disastrous finances, as it got us grocery discounts. How much more can I take, and how much more beaten down will I get, before it is too much?

24 May 2013

I have just finished attending the Washington State Traumatic Brain Injury conference (and have the carry-all bag to prove it). My partner has gone the last two years, but I have been unwilling to loose the day's wages, to go to it with him. Now, with no job, and full scholarships available for both of us, I went. I attended many inspirational talks (which can get tiresome, after a bit), and took advantage of the free massage/energy work. I did attend a talk about the "Aging & Disability Resource Centers: Helping you connect with options for embracing life and living well." As D and I are both in our second half-century, he has mostly mental limitations, and I have developed physical limitations, we fit the target audience parameters. I started silently crying, and then my nose sprang a nosebleed. Of course. I have been SO frustrated by the inability to locate the services we need, starting clear back before he got home from the 6 month hospital/nursing home/inpatient rehabilitation stay in 2001-2002. My interests in biological sciences, and parents, grandparent, and sibling in medical fields, means that I can at least follow discussions of medical, physical, and mental statuses. But there were no state or federal government official in our family, no mealtime conversations about the difference between medicaid, and medicare. How can I have been on three different programs, paying for benefits for me, during the whole "foot issue", when I didn't change, and my financial status didn't change? And none of the cards I got issued were ever again referred to by the name on their front. So I NEVER knew what I was on, I would just have to tell doctor offices what the cards said. And then, they would look me up online, and say, "No, you don't qualify for this." "But someone at the state level told me I did", I would wail. Well, yes, I DID qualify for it, clear back in December, but that information didn't make it online, until mid-February. These new "Aging and Disability Resource Centers" have as a goal, helping people access services to stay in their homes, in their communities. (It's cheaper than institutionalization). I have some hopes of being able to connect with more of the resources I need, to be able to stay in my own place. Place is so VERY important to me. I love this place I live, the piece I have custody of, and the city I live in.

15 May 2013


I am rather tired of my "new normal", which seems to involve continuous pain, or expectation of pain. Not in the foot, where all the holes were. In the ankle, where everything was held immobile for months. And in the hip, where everything was torqued out of alignment, because of my position in the hospital bed for weeks, and then later by having the crow boot on my injured leg for walking, which was taller than my other leg. So, my whole hip joint is inflamed. I am taking meds to bring down the inflammation. But it seems to be an interminable time that I am having to wait. At this moment, nothing hurts. But I can be fairly sure that when I stand up, my ankle will be VERY sore, as I have been doing ankle flex-point while sitting here. The hip will hurt at unpredictable moments in my movement. I don't get to sleep very consistently, as the hip hurts at night. I also get jolted out of my sleep, screaming, with sudden shooting pain in the hip. I rather hope that this "new normal", full of pain, will pass into another variations of "normal", as I continue moving, doing therapy, etc.