How much I am going to be able to stand, before it is easier to just let go and die? I keep doing all of the expected state paperwork, and my food stamps are now down to $17.00 per month. When I was working, they were $72.00 per month. Now, with no job, injured self, barely able to stand up long enough to take a shower, I get $17.00, and have a $2,000+ spend-down before I will get medical coverage again. Today, a friend tell me that my brain-damaged partner was seen (and reported) eating sugary munchies out of the bulk bins where he volunteers. He knows that he should not be eating sugar for health reasons. He knows he should not be snacking, unpaid, for ethical reasons. Doesn't matter. He will do it anyway. I will have to have him resign his volunteer work there, which is a hit to our disastrous finances, as it got us grocery discounts. How much more can I take, and how much more beaten down will I get, before it is too much?

I have just finished attending the Washington State Traumatic Brain Injury conference (and have the carry-all bag to prove it). My partner has gone the last two years, but I have been unwilling to loose the day's wages, to go to it with him. Now, with no job, and full scholarships available for both of us, I went. I attended many inspirational talks (which can get tiresome, after a bit), and took advantage of the free massage/energy work. I did attend a talk about the "Aging & Disability Resource Centers: Helping you connect with options for embracing life and living well." As D and I are both in our second half-century, he has mostly mental limitations, and I have developed physical limitations, we fit the target audience parameters. I started silently crying, and then my nose sprang a nosebleed. Of course. I have been SO frustrated by the inability to locate the services we need, starting clear back before he got home from the 6 month hospital/nursing home/inpatient rehabilitation stay in 2001-2002. My interests in biological sciences, and parents, grandparent, and sibling in medical fields, means that I can at least follow discussions of medical, physical, and mental statuses. But there were no state or federal government official in our family, no mealtime conversations about the difference between medicaid, and medicare. How can I have been on three different programs, paying for benefits for me, during the whole "foot issue", when I didn't change, and my financial status didn't change? And none of the cards I got issued were ever again referred to by the name on their front. So I NEVER knew what I was on, I would just have to tell doctor offices what the cards said. And then, they would look me up online, and say, "No, you don't qualify for this." "But someone at the state level told me I did", I would wail. Well, yes, I DID qualify for it, clear back in December, but that information didn't make it online, until mid-February. These new "Aging and Disability Resource Centers" have as a goal, helping people access services to stay in their homes, in their communities. (It's cheaper than institutionalization). I have some hopes of being able to connect with more of the resources I need, to be able to stay in my own place. Place is so VERY important to me. I love this place I live, the piece I have custody of, and the city I live in.

Pain

I am rather tired of my "new normal", which seems to involve continuous pain, or expectation of pain. Not in the foot, where all the holes were. In the ankle, where everything was held immobile for months. And in the hip, where everything was torqued out of alignment, because of my position in the hospital bed for weeks, and then later by having the crow boot on my injured leg for walking, which was taller than my other leg. So, my whole hip joint is inflamed. I am taking meds to bring down the inflammation. But it seems to be an interminable time that I am having to wait. At this moment, nothing hurts. But I can be fairly sure that when I stand up, my ankle will be VERY sore, as I have been doing ankle flex-point while sitting here. The hip will hurt at unpredictable moments in my movement. I don't get to sleep very consistently, as the hip hurts at night. I also get jolted out of my sleep, screaming, with sudden shooting pain in the hip. I rather hope that this "new normal", full of pain, will pass into another variations of "normal", as I continue moving, doing therapy, etc.

Gardening!

Well, I have been gardening as hard as I can, these last two weeks. I am limited by not being able to stay on my feet very long, as my ankle and hip hurt too much. I do small increments of standing, with lots of work from a chair, or the ground. (I have a chair that does NOT rudely sink itself in the ground and tip me over into the blackberries.) Today, worked outside until temps hit 77, decided it was time for cold coffee at B&B. This week looks good for gardening. No rain for the next week. Garden has these things up, already: Fava Beans, snow peas, snap peas, shelling peas, MORE shelling peas, kale, turnips, mustard greens, podding radishes, beets, transplants of cabbage, broccoli, lettuce, spinach, swiss chard. Seeds of several dills, borage, more beets, carrots, flowers have all been planted, also. Leeks, elephant garlic are awaiting planting out. Comfrey being harvested for the chickens. Did take a look at the dwarf box hedge, and had D give it a haircut. Considering that the hedge was four inches high, when I planted it, the fact that it now needed to be trimmed back to two feet tall, makes me think it  is doing well. I just need it to be denser, to keep the chickens out, a bit more effectively. Am on XP 4 of new chicken cage designs, this year. Don't have ANY wood to work with, so am trying to work with wire fencing of various kinds. Big White Dog landing protectively on cage during a night alarm doesn't help wire cage status much. I am trying a variation of a chunnel, on the outside of the Mandala garden. My mandala garden is fifty two feet across, which means a fairly large perimeter, where weeds keep planting themselves and throwing seeds over the box hedge, into the growing area. I figure that if I get the entire perimeter enclosed in a chunnel about 2 1/2 feet wide, I would have room for 40 chickens, at the density beyond which I do not go. Don't want to keep that many, right now, but am doing the chunnel in increments, with hatches in between sections. (No more than 1 bird per four square feet, please. And that is only if they are being moved around, onto new ground every day.) A couple of notes about fencing for chickens. If the cage is not much taller than the chickens, you can throw your weeds directly on top of the wire, and the chickens will pick at the dirt and greens of the weeds, without the weeds getting a chance to root again, in the soil. Also, with the welded wire that has a mesh size of 2" by 4", the birds can peck at weeds much more easily than if you use chicken wire, which has a much smaller hole size. They can munch on comfrey, also. They CAN also stick their heads out of the wire, to do a little direct harvesting of their own, so be aware of their reach. Are you frightened of comfrey? Well, I don't think you need to be so scared of it taking over the neighborhood. I've had comfrey in the ground for 16 years, and it has not even filled in as much where I give it permission to do so. The clump gets bigger, but it doesn't sneak around and come up elsewhere, which is what I don't like. I suspect that the people who have trouble with comfrey are the people who try to get rid of it by rototilling it. That just spreads the roots around, and give you lots more of it. Also, I cut the clumps down as soon as they start thinking about flowering, and either feed it to the chickens, or use it as mulch around other plants. At that stage of growth, you mostly have leaves, and you can get 6 or 7 cuttings off of a clump, per year. Comfrey is supposed to be very good for compost heaps. I don't do a regular compost heap, as I've got the chickens to dispose of so much stuff.I did get a few new chicks at the feed store. 1 Buff Cochin, 1 Black Australorp, 4 Ameraucana of differing colors. I would really LOVE geese, again, but they are VERY expensive.>Have gotten to have my granddaughter, E, and her best buddy, L over to my house a bit, lately. Turn 'em loose with water and containers to play with, and all is good. 4 1/2 and 5 years old, SO easy to entertain, sometimes. (BIG grin). Results of water play: