30 March 2012

Spring?

Is it really spring? Maybe? On the equinox, I made a series of dish gardens. It was great fun to ramble around outside, and get some small, pretty bits to tuck in containers. A gesture of hope. Wandering around, I was again fascinated by the variation in mosses on the different stumps. When I had a bunch of the trees cut down, I left all the stumps. Two of them were cut into high-backed seats. Some of the mosses are dense, plush velvet. Some of them are more branching, lace-like.

Tired unto my death

Tired. Tired of trying to get D to cooperate, be a partner, when he is so frequently a liability. Tired of waking up to hear Phoenix barking, because D had just left, and he is not supposed to. If she knows that he is not supposed to leave, why doesn’t she tell me BEFORE he gets out the door? Or block him in, so that he can’t leave? Tired of not seeing my granddaughter. Tired of fixing other peoples mistakes. The pharmacy has put an entirely wrong doctor’s name on my prescription. The last batch of meds has child-proof caps on them, which they know I don’t want. One of D’s meds that was coming in the mail, was not the right prescription. I don’t know if D said, “Yes, those are what I am taking” over the phone, or how it got set up wrong. But I would have to go through much hassle with the clinic doctor and an amorphous doctor in mail-order-med limbo somewhere, to get it corrected. I didn’t make the mistake. Tired of some of the nasty people who inhabit this world, and will abuse children. Or anyone else who will abuse ANYONE. Tired of being cheerful, trying to understand what proper behaviour is, and exhibit it. I am somewhere on the Aspberger spectrum, and that means that I do not understand what proper behaviour is, sometimes. Several years ago, I asked two people to help me, by using a code word to alert me, when I am about to put my foot in my mouth. They laughed at me, thinking it was some kind of joke. I don’t like upsetting people. I don’t like doing the wrong thing. I try so hard, and right now, it all feels useless. But, you just go on and endure.